Today I actually have some time to write down a couple thoughts and not have to say about what i've been doing for the past three weeks or so. These are all of my thought and things i've been feeling in the past few days.
Stressed, Confused, Dazed, Happy, Sad, Emotional, Excited, Anxious, Alone, Let down. And the list goes on and on...
All of these feelings in only a few days. Plus the headaches, the tears and lack of commuication with the most important person to discuss my feelings about, myself. I know this is repetion to my last post but, everyone said the first few months of being an exchange student will be hard. This was true. But the best advice I have ever gotten was this, the first two months you will be busy, new school, new language, new country. This was true. In the third and fourth month everything will start to slow down, you will become homesick, cry for now reason and wonder why you went so far away. This was also true. Then this person told me about the next few months I will be expecting, month five to eight I will be able to understand a hell of a lot more, follow along in class, and forget about all of the sadness and and be amazed at what I am capable of doing when I put my mind to it. From month nine to end it will fly by like they neve even existed. Well so far this person was exactually correct, let see if it is the way it will go.
I dont really know If I have ever felt so alone in my life before. I mean I know I felt alone but realizing that everyone you can tell everything to is about an ocean away. I know im not really alone though. I have many friends here that are going through all of the same problems because they are exchange students too. They miss their family also, forget their train tickets and miss the bus alot, all similar situations. I have found some of the most amazing friends, they listen when I talk, relate to everything and most importantly give you a shoulder to cry on. Yes I said cry, sometimes I dont know why or what I am crying about, It just happens. The other day I was on the bus with my friends on my way home from school for lunch and I went silent. Out of no where, cold hard silence. Staring out of the window with a blank stare. My friend eventually noticed and asked what was wrong. I couldnt talk, maybe I couldnt find the words in my head in german or maybe I didnt know what was wrong with me. But at that moment I just started to cry. On the bus, In front of people I dont know, might of just been the most embarassing moment of my life. Then when I got off of the bus, I missed my other bus to go to my house. So I had to walk, up hill for 15 minutes. I came home, at lunch and procceded back to school. On the way back to school my friend brought me a gift, a special rock. She said it will help take away the headaches i've been having caused from all of this stress. Im not a person who believes in special powers in objects but theres just something special about this rock. Ever since i've recieved it all of the headaches are gone. Not stress but headaches. Not to meantion how supprised I was to see that someone cared about me enough to give me a present to help me.
For right now, I have hope. I know I could never and would never give up this oppertunity. I could never think about letting something just slip away that I have worked so hard for.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking for once and just let my life lay out in front of me. But, we all know that is very hard to do.
If you have any advice let me know. Right now I could use some.